Delusion sold separately...
Updated: Sep 7
Alexa, play Vivian Green... Emotional Roller-coaster
What's up great people!
It's been a minute... I needed a minute. The last few months caught up with me over the last few weeks.
Let me say now, the setup to this one won't be like the others. I just want to type and let the words fall where they may. Thank you in advance for your patience and grace...
As I move through therapy, I've learned there are many forms of grief, and I was unfortunately battling several different versions of it at once.
From the middle through the end of 2025 (in no particular order), I was mourning and working through my reproductive health changing, a last-minute and very stressful move, my car being stolen for a second time since getting it, friendships that ended, my dog's health declining, then his death, financial strain, and my ex ending our relationship...
Grief was hitting me like it did when I lost my mother... I tried to hang on, but I was unraveling. I can own that. The grief had me believe I was losing everything.
My mind included.
Sidebar: I wish people understood that a person going through something may not know exactly what is needed or how to ask for the need to help resolve whatever internal or external battle they're fighting. Show up with kindness, patience, and compassion. Pay attention to them to see where you can fill in the gap, even if just with love... Don't invite them to lean on you if you don't have the true desire or capacity to help hold them up during the time of need. Offering, then complaining or abandoning someone says more about your character than the person struggling in a moment. A hard or bad moment doesn't define a person, but playing games with a broken person surely defines you...
I went from a softer life to constantly being in survival mode when I needed care and support. With all I had on my heart and mind, I ended up subjecting myself to very poor treatment in a friendship that had me constantly in tears, gaslit and confused! Adding to what I was already fighting...
I felt dizzy as a mfer for months🥴😵 I still kept trying to show up in several areas in my life, get back to "normal." Overall, I guess I was ok, but there were many areas I wasn't.
It was a must for me to prioritize myself and take time to recharge; it does wonders for my mind and heart. I had to surround myself with people who really loved me and stepped in to be a part of the process to see me bounce back.
At the end of this July, I got back to life, working, traveling, and finally setting boundaries to save myself. I took note of what life was like when I accepted harsh realities, moved forward, and started living vs when I put myself on a shelf between the past and false hope.
Max isn't coming back, the people at work are who they are, I got my car back- yes, violated but I'm safe, I go where I'm welcomed, the money will come back, I'm improving my health, I misjudged my ex being either being ready for or wanting a life together- it's over. Love will find me again, and I attend a church that aligns with what I believe a church to be for their people.
Moving Forward
This month is especially hard for me... 10 years since I survived a horrific car crash and 9 years since my mom transitioned... Yet, I continue to seek more reasons to smile each day.
To mark the occasion, I did something I would be proud of...
I walked from Maryland to Virginia by crossing the Woodrow Wilson Bridge!
I started excited and ready to take it on, but I never saw the long walk prior to the bridge crossing or how the temp would increase during the walk! I pressed forward and got it done anyway. Halfway through, I wondered wtf I was thinking, and I wanted to turn around so many times.
I kept telling myself, if I can get to the other side, I would be ok. In life, I actually have to relate my crossing that bridge to a lot of things happening. It was hard to cross, but I was just fine when I got to the other side of it all.
When I could sit, I took my beats off and would simply be. I listened to the water, wind, and traffic. Allowing myself to be present... I cried some. I needed it. My heart carried a lot of pain this year. All I had to do was release it. Let it go. So, I left it there...
Thank God for the strength to snap out of the state of delusion I was in, get off the shelf, and get back into life. I have my peace and confidence back. 🙏🏾
One of my friends said to me "It feels good to see you happy again"... Me to girl... Me too. Thank you God. 🙌🏽
Message!
"Love should be experienced", not assumed, suffered through or begged for...
This series called Homework for the past few weeks has been speaking directly to me.
I need a gentle man.
Philippians 4 5:7 NIV
The pastor said a person can be naturally nice but not at all gentle. Being gentle is from the spirit of God, and it takes work to develop. Many are nice and nasty at the same time. "Just because your volume is low doesn't mean your words aren't vicious."
The church I've been going to more has been what I needed. A place where leadership is willing to actually pastor over those in need vs just preach when it's time on Sunday. A church that is invested in what they say they want for their people.
The series they have going now has opened my eyes and heart to so much.
Going forward, any relationship I have, the effort has to flow both ways. Where we both feel secure. I've removed myself from spaces that drain and break me to make room for the kind of relationship that pours into me as well.
Not only romantically, but every type of relationship.
What's Now and Next?
For me,
I'm owning my beautiful life and body as it is. I may not have it all, but I have more than enough.
I have finally connected to what I like at the gym. I don't like those machines. Give me cardio and weights. Your girl has been running longer and lifting a bit more than when I started months ago.
Getting finer because I can! lol
I am working with a show engineer to get my podcast going. I'm getting excited about doing a show again! More details soon.
I wear what makes me feel alive and confident. Living is the occasion.
I will continue to go outside and live in the life I have today and with those who want to be a part of it. Even if alone. Road Trips, Concerts, picnics, hiking - I am OUT!
I will be intentional about surrounding myself with good times for new memories during the fall and winter due to the pain from those seasons prior.
I will seek a new position for my certification where I am, and in other states I could see myself in.
Show up online more. I've been taking more pictures again.
Form new and nurture current friendships. It has been good for me. I may not have a man, but I got them, and they got me.
I remain aware of and open to what I need for joy, satisfaction, and peace.
Finally
I am finally also dating! For real this time. LOL I started to respond to calls and accept invites; it's time. The online dating profile was created. The okay was given to make introductions to the friend of friends too. 🥴😂😅
Sidebar: I'm definitely going to talk about those profiles! lol I don't know if guys are doing the profiles for other men or what! I also found it interesting being liked by someone who knows an ex. It was super weird. I have more people on my block list than I have connected with others. I will keep it up until October 1st.
After that, I am GONE!
I've gone out twice so far. It's been nice.
I know I said I was going to play the "We're just hanging out" game. I just know what it's like to be led on and played with. I don't want to do that to someone's heart. I've met some pretty decent guys and don't want to play games. I can take my time and still be intentional.
It's also been a bit overwhelming. I'm nervous, but I'm going to have fun and see what happens from here.
I will hold to my standards, tips for staying safe while dating (in last blog), and move along when I don't feel good in it. While single and dating, I'm letting them all pursue me until one SHOWS he can be the only one for me and ready for what he says he wants.
Intention over attention...
Thank You
It felt good getting back to this. It's been a form of therapy. The conversations I have after posting do my heart good.
With a few weeks left in the summer, I am back out and enjoying the sun. I'm excited about so much, and I've been creative again. I took part in something and made a magnet! LOL See!
I just wanted to pop in and chat a bit since I haven't in a bit. I hope you found value in what I shared here with you... If you are in a space where you can relate due to your own grief, disappointment or heartbreak, hold on. Better days and people are coming your way. Keep your head up. Focus on yourself and what's to come. Keep living your life. Keep healing. Everything will be ok.
Alexa Play... Cardi B Outside ... and play it LOUD ✌🏽
Until Next Time
NinaB...
Keep in Touch
I love your symbolic walk across the bridge. So excited to witness you build this new chapter brick by brick. I'm so proud of you!!
I absolutely enjoyed this. Love you, boo! I’m proud of you. ❤️