Well Shit... Ok. So Now What?
Updated: 7 hours ago
Hey great people!
How are you?
Really... How are you? When asked, do you take the time to fully respond to that question? Or do you just toss an "I'm fine", "I'm ok", or I'm good" out there?
Most people hardly ever actually slow down to honestly answer that question... Some actually would like to know how you are.
Me: I'm great. This summer either flew by fast, or I was having way too much fun. I danced, attended many events, and smiled a lot. I visited new places, met new people, and found love for myself again. I LIVED this summer.
I hope you took every opportunity to allow the sun to kiss your skin. I hope you had great adventures with people you love and who love you back.
What did you get into? Any trips? Any summer lessons? Blessings? Overall, how was your summer?
This past year, and especially this summer, has been eye-opening, but more than that, a hug I never knew I needed...
Now Autumn is knocking at the door without notice. She's on time this year. As we go into fall, what are you working towards, looking forward to, or even moving past?
I have a road trip to Canada planned, a day trip to TN, back to SC, and an overnight in NY. I'll still be intentional about getting out a few times a month. I have a few craft projects waiting to be completed. I need to change out my closets too.
Do others still change their closets, or am I the only one? Let me know below...
Ok...
Enough stalling.
Now to what I really came here for...
Alexa, play MJB My Life
To my younger self...
Mommy's Bootsie. Granddad's Stink. My Great-Grandfather's Butterfly... It took way too long for me to get to you. And for that, I am so sorry. I am sorry to have left you buried under years of trauma, pain, feelings of abandonment, and confusion, yet still expected you to thrive.
I can't go back to right wrongs or correct history, but I can take you out of this place.
The darkness is a weight I do not want you to carry anymore. You never had to. I can't apologize enough for leaving you here this long. No justification or excuses. I am sorry.
At last, I gained the needed strength to free you... It's time for us to move forward. No looking back.
We can't carry the should've, would've, could've thoughts, old wounds, grudges or insecurities about the things that have not (yet) happened... We will pack light, taking our faith in God, confidence, joy, and all the new ways we learned to handle life.
Remain hopeful for the possibilities of great things ahead. Just know that I'm with you, will never leave you again, and that everything will be okay....
There was never anything wrong with you.
We just see and process the world differently. That's ok.
You are more than enough, have always been.
It's time.
Well...
I always knew I was "different" but wasn't sure of how.
90s-raised...
We didn't have so much access to all this information; Black households definitely weren't talking about mental health, therapy, and/or wellness. What I had was punishment or whippings for being talkative in class, not paying attention (daydreaming), or working on assignments last minute while in school.
Especially in classes I had no interest in. Math. Yuck.
We have all these buzzwords people like to toss out there, and access to so much now.
Black people didn't go to therapy...What goes on in the house stays in the house, and you don't tell nobody your business...
Why would my mother have had me tested? I questioned things or freely saying what was (and at times, still) on my mind, so they labeled me as having a smart mouth. I felt tolerated.
It wasn't understood that I need the full picture and will have questions until I get it, and at times, I find it hard to read the room.
Often misunderstood, carrying the internal struggle of not understanding myself or why I did things I knew weren't the best, why people could be so mean to me or be annoyed by my wanting to just understand...
What I lived with couldn't be seen...
I've had moments where I got why a person would just want to give up on everything...
It's all fun and games when people joke about having ADD or ADHD.... Until you take the needed test with your therapist and get the official diagnosis of having it.
ADHD.
Mild, but knowing what I live with has tossed me into another chapter of this new book of life I'm living in...
Alexa play MJB Take Me as I Am...
Now... How TF DID I get here
I started meeting and chatting with people about ADHD. Randomly. I met a guy who one day randomly called me and shared his diagnosis. It was almost as if I was being prepped for what I would later confirm for myself.
Over the past few months, my algorithm started putting mirrors in front of me by showing me reels and posts that I was able to relate to a little bit too much.
Sidebar: Dear Meta, send me the WINNING Mega Ball numbers if you plan to send anything else! I'm ready for my wealthy, financially free phase in life. 🤑
I remember bringing it up to a few people, about how I could relate to some of what I was seeing. And then... y'all.
Someone got it. He was standing up for me too, and I didn't even know it! I felt seen and heard instead of judged or misunderstood.
I heard these things before. I did carry shame. Being beaten by those words made things harder. I always try my best but still have been misunderstood and mishandled by people because of something I wasn't aware of. sigh...
With that post hitting home so hard, I had to ask to be tested.
How it shows/ed up in my life
Yes, I displayed symptoms throughout my life, but I had been able to mostly manage and mask them until a year or so ago.
Out of nowhere, I felt outside of myself. My bounce-back game used to be great... Until it wasn't. I completely unraveled.
My therapist: What makes you want to test now?
Me: I'm tired of hiding...
It was ADHD all along.
It was like all of my symptoms were pouring out over and over and all at once! Often, I would often wonder WTF WAS WRONG WITH ME! If you read previous blogs, I had been saying how difficult things were for me emotionally... I could not figure it out.
ADH fk'n D... Amplified by high stress and hormonal changes.
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Everyone experiences this differently.
I won't go over all of my symptoms, just the most impactful ones in my life:
Symptoms/Context | Impact | My Tools |
Big BIG EMOTIONS or Emotional Dysregulation: Where feelings hit harder, arrive faster, and are difficult to calm down from. Harder to handle frustration | The running joke was always that I had all the emotions in the family, but my relatives had "none". I never saw my mom cry, but these big browns! They will water! 🫠 I feel everything. |
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Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): criticism feels much deeper than it should. Overthinking... | I would isolate and withdraw... i.e., move far away. I hate small talk. Must have depth. I can feel like an outsider with my village and be very critical of myself. I used to date several men at one time to prevent boredom with them or having to wait on or leave fast so I'm not rejected by one. |
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Cutting people off in conversation: Part of poor impulse control. Fear of forgetting, excitement, or empathy | Not wanting to lose my thought or point and/or wanting to relate to the person telling the story is often frustrated or labeled as me being selfish or even unsafe for them emotionally. |
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ADHD paralysis: Knowing what has to be done but unable to start. Feeling stuck. Happens when the brain is overloaded. Everything stalls. | This has impacted me the most. Getting started or following through with things has never been a struggle for me before, but now... You can see it in my not being able to show up online in the way I used to and honestly need to. I have been pushing my podcast back for years. I literally have the content for both social media and podcast. |
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Impulsive spending, responses or decisions: Normally happen when the brain is low on dopamine or emotionally overloaded | Random spending, saying yes to things I really didn't want to do |
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Lack of focus or brain fog: the brain is starved for dopamine | It's become difficult to read books in as short a time as I used to |
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This reel also found me and is a visual of how ADHD feels: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DdmCjOrP3i8/?stkn=eTB1c2ltYzdqdHV1
Will I ever be free of this? I don't know. I doubt it. I may never perfect things, but daily I will work at it. I'm doing this without medication: only God, tools, knowledge, great people in my life, and prayer.
Just different.
Acceptance
The 2 weeks after learning the diagnosis tore me up.
Because damn... why me? I said, Damn... God don't even like me because WTF did I do to HIM that HE would have me carry so much...
I ran through how much different life could have been for me had I known much sooner. Would he have stayed? How many degrees could I have had by now? Would my business be further? Would certain friendships have been different? So many thoughts.
I remember the reframing tool I picked up in therapy last December, pulled myself up and got back to life.
My last session:
Therapist: You seem lighter today. You don't seem as overwhelmed about things at all.
Me: I accepted it. It is what it is. My life is still good.
I'm still an amazing woman. Still fun. Still nosey. LOL Still not letting people play with me. Still kind. Still able to curse you out. Still loving and all.
Those who know me know I stand out in so many ways. This is just another way.
Why did I create the 52-Week Experience? To give myself and others a boost of dopamine once a week. I felt a huge positive difference when I worked the plan built into the books. I created an ADHD tool for myself and didn't even know it.
What Now
I'm taking my power back by owning it. I will not carry shame about it. This is me.
I am honest with the new people in my life. Not at first, but if they're showing me they are invested in getting to know me, then I will share. I've shared it a few times. It made things so much easier personally and professionally. I get to fully be myself without the anxiety of walking on eggshells.
No one has to treat me differently or walk on eggshells themselves. Everyone is a work in progress and falls short, but if someone is mean to their core, purposely tries to dim my light or thinks it's an inconvenience to be considerate and, at times, reassuring, I'll remove myself from the space... Thankfully, everyone in my life now has been respectful and kind.
Having better practices for how I listen, respond, create safe spaces, set boundaries, and still not lose the essence of who I am has been easier than I could have imagined. I can still enjoy talking a lot but not ramble. 👀🤭 I tell myself, 'GET TO THE POINT GIRL!'
Working out in the mornings opens my mind. I am more energized and focused.
I am working on cutting the sugar and carbs. Pray for me.
And maybe. Just maybe God is trusting me with so much because HE knows I'm bold enough to share what HE carries me through to help another.
I don't know... but I'm clear that I'm not alone in this club and that everything will be ok.
And where awareness has been a blessing, I will stay accountable for how I show up.
Thank you.
I know this newsletter is turning into a blog, but I have to do what feels good for me. You have no idea how many times I started blogging and stopped over the years. I am super proud of myself for continuing to show up each month now. I only missed one month. I didn't overthink it and came back.
Next, I will be on social media more. I filled out my entire Small Business Big Moves book. I have my content planner ready to go. I just have to hit submit. Hold me accountable by popping on a post to say "Hey, WYA? Show up." Knowing someone is there looking will be my why until I get a good routine with that as well.
Thank you for continuing to show up here for whatever I share.
A special thank you to my best friends who locked in and surrounded me with so much acceptance and love. The guy who was transparent with me has become a great friend and support. No matter his schedule, he will find time to answer my many questions or listen to me when needed. Thank you... To my cousin G, my rock! She never left my side. She knew how it broke me when I found out. She was ready to get on the road for me. I'm grateful. Thank you. Even from states away, I'm supported by everyone. I am so blessed.
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As always, I pray you found something useful in what I placed here. And in helpful words from my ex: "Take what you need and leave the rest."
I am Enough. More than enough. And so are you... 🤎
Alexa, play MJB Just Fine
Until Next Time #PenthePositive
NinaB
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